Where do you go?

I am responsible for my emotional state.  No one else can make me feel anything.  No one can get inside my head or my heart and press my anger button, my sadness button, my guilt button.  I alone choose what my reaction will be to the situations that arise in my life.  I also know that situations don't just arise in my life at random.  I create my own reality.

I create my own reality.  This is an easy mindset to be in when life is going along 'great - pretty good'.
It gets to be a bit tougher when life is just going 'pretty good - not that great'.
Then there's the odd time when life gets to be 'not that great - really fucking terrible' and we have to wonder why the hell we would want it that way.  Why, if we create our own realities, would we create pain and suffering for ourselves?

I don't have the one answer to that question, I have a lot of ideas I could babble on about, but it's not really what I wanted to ramble about right now.  Besides it's a gigantic and complex question - it could be something we created on a conscious, subconscious, or unconscious level...or it could be some karmic debt from a past life.  I don't think we'll always get to know the "why."
Right now I'm more interested in the "now what?"

So...now what?  If we've created something in our lives that is "really fucking terrible" where do we go?  I don't mean literally where do we go - as in to the refrigerator or the liquor cabinet.  I mean which part of our minds will we identify with?  Our higher mind?  The part of us that can make the most of any situation, the part that will learn the lesson, the part that will accept our karmas?  Or our lower mind, the part of us that wants to keep us small and trapped, keep us as victims, keep us powerless?

Sure, for most day to day circumstances, it's no problem to stay connected with our higher minds.  But I'm talking about when it really counts, when the most terrible of terrible things happen:  Can we accept and take responsiblity that for some reason we created that terrible experience?

For the past couple of months I was the happiest I think I've ever been.  Truly happy.  Blissful even.  I was completey grounded, centered, living authentically and with integrity.  Life was just good, I was truly blessed - I thought nothing could knock me off my center, but also worried that something would.   When things get so good we have a tendency to worry about when they'll be bad again - that whole "what goes up..." thing I suppose.

Then it happened.  A painful experience that brought everything crashing down in a hurry.  I spent the first few days in sadness, guilt, fear and anger.   I was feeling sorry for myself and wanting others to feel sorry for me too.  Part of me is still there.

But I'm ready to take responsibility, to own this. To accept that I created this reality.  It's not an easy place to get to, but just like that I've taken my power back.  I feel a weight taken off my shoulders, I feel free and liberated.   If I am responsible for my emotional state and I create my own reality - I'm finished choosing pain and suffering.

I deserve better than that. We all do.

xo B